You know when you get the feeling that you have to write things down because it's the only way to channel your feelings sometimes. Well today is that day. I'm sitting in my apartment, it's the end of the summer and the weather has gone a bit cold already. I woke up to the sound of rain and luckily I could just continue sleeping because I didn't have anything specific planned today. Maybe it's the fall atmosphere that brings out some melancholy to your way of thinking.
I've been thinking a lot lately after I came back from Sweden. Travelling always makes me think. There was also this unfortunate event that happened during my work trip. Finnair cancelled my flight back and I was trapped in Stockholm Arlanda and had to buy a new ticket back to Helsinki. Now my schedule is fully booked for the couple of few upcoming months. I have two music videos to edit and produce, tons of pictures to edit and still some photo shoots from before that I need to get done. This fall is going to be end of an era in a way also because I'm supposed to graduate from my school. almost 4 years ago I started my IT studies and I only have handful of things to do and then I'm free.
But what does freedom really even mean? I'm going to graduate and it's one thing off from my mind but it kind of scares me in a way. Do I need to start thinking of getting a "real" job? I mean I love creating art and being involved in music and photography scene, but at the moment it doesn't pay my bills or my rent. Can I continue like this? I don't really know. That's why future is scary in a way.
I have this list on my computer of things that need to be done and it just seems to be growing and not getting smaller. Sometimes I just put things aside and stress about them later, which is bad, i know, but that's one way my mind functions.
I wanna create and achieve more, but sometimes it feels impossible. I don't want to make the same mistake twice, because I once sort of quit music. For two or three years I didn't even touch any instrument or think about composing or doing any music at all. I was in a relationship back then and when it ended I was lost, but I found music and arts again. And now looking back, I don't regret being in that relationship, but I do regret letting go of music. It's one of those things that make me happy. But being a musician is hard. You always wanna do what you believe is good, and you shouldn't think about others. But you also wanna pay your bills and sad truth is that with rock / metal music it's almost impossible in this country. Or almost any other country too. Everyone is still working another job to keep up with their music career or doing something else at least. If they are lucky, they can work with music as their other job as mixing or composing for others or something related to the music industry. if not, it's something else. I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic and some people in my opinion don't really get it. I mean being realistic about things.
I do work as a substitute teacher. I've been doing that for almost 8 years or so and I love it. It kinda hit me the other day when I was talking with my friend on the phone and she said that one of my old students is starting upper secondary school now, and I taught her the first time when she was on second grade. Time flies really.
But how is future going to be? I'm in this weird state of mind that I don't wanna "grow up" but I still have to. Society is expecting me to do so. But do I really have to go down that road. I've studied several things in my life and traveled a lot, seen people, made contacts, worked a lot of different jobs here and there and I'm happy in a way. Sometimes it just seems like there's still something missing.
As I got older I realized that I only need to put my energy to the people that actually want to work with me or be with me. I don't have time for people who put me down or don't believe in my abilities. Life became easier that way.
I don't know if this text is going to make any sense because I'm just writing what comes to mind so if you are actually reading this, bare with me.
I just took a look outside and it seems the weather is getting better a bit. I have a lot of things to do now so I will go eat and start working after that. I hope I'll get my thoughts together and strength to continue like this. Hope everyone is well and things go like you want them to go. Don't give up hope, work hard and be nice to people.
The Silence of the Lambs
1 viikko sitten